Small. Simple. Sincere.

I finally cracked Friday night.

Not like a tiny crack you see in the pavement of your driveway, but a large crack. More like a crack in a flood gate that starts as a trickle but turns into a full blown gush.

It was time to just let it all out.

I know I've mentioned our current predicament with Cory being in crutches and me now entering my 8th month of pregnancy. So far, I felt I was holding it all together fairly well.

I've been giving.

I've been checking things off the "To Do" list.

I've been running errands, cooking, cleaning, and snuggling kids back into bed in the early hours of the morning.

I've been (mostly) patient and kind.

Welp, that all ended last night when I finally lost it.

I knew I was physically tired, but it turns out my tiredness was entering a new level. I realized last night (after tears came out of nowhere and for no darned good reason), that I was beyond physically tired. I was emotionally exhausted. I was trying to do too much in too short of an amount of time. I was trying to keep it all together and take care of errands and lists and chores.

Last night was a strong reminder that I needed a break. And of course, that left room for some thinking.

Why am I trying to do it all? Why are we so determined to have to do everything?? Why does culture tell us we must constantly be going and doing?

I realize that this phase of life I'm in is not going to last forever. But I don't think I'm handling this phase very well either. I'm so busy making sure everything is done and the house is picked up and the kids are bathed (you know, at least a couple times a week so they don't smell), that I'm missing the joy. The simple joys of everyday.

I'm so busy trying to just get through the next 24 hours, that I'm struggling to take time for myself to refill my own needs. Not to mention that I'm also missing the smiles on my kids faces as they set up their play train set (for the 400th time) because I'm too busy doing dishes and packing lunches to just sit down and drive a toy train with them.

This is the essence of 21st century motherhood, isn't it? How do we do it all and still make sure we spend time with the people we love?

What I'm learning is that maybe we quit trying so dang hard to do it all. Where is the quiet? Where is the simple and sincere moments I'm spending with my kids and my husband? I feel like I'm missing it. I feel like these moments are passing me by while I'm slaving away doing things that really aren't all that important in the big scheme of things.

Maybe I need to quit worrying about doing it all and start worrying more about the simple and sincere moments in life. The quiet moments. The giggling coming from the toy room in the basement. The laughter from jumping into a pile of leaves.

I'm on this journey to experience a more intentional life, and I'm starting to see that it starts at home. Right with my own little family. Right in the small moments.

So while finally breaking down the other night was definitely not how I saw my Friday evening going, I will say it brought forth a new realization that I need to change a couple things about the way I'm living my life right now.

Small. Simple. Sincere.

These are the words that are good for my soul.

Why Self-Care Should be a Higher Priority

It had been another grueling day.

Beyond wife and mother, I had also carried roles of chauffer, cook, maid, full-time employee, boo-boo kisser, toy truck driver, storybook reader, and bather extroidinaire. On top of that, I was 6 months pregnant.

By the time I got my 4 and 2 year old to bed, I was exhausted.

The temptation arose to walk straight to my bedroom, pull back the covers, and crawl into my nice cozy bed - In work clothes and all.

I walked into my bedroom and took a second to stair at the bed. I swear it was literally calling my name.

Then came the tough decision: crawl into bed and wake up in wrinkled, uncomfortable clothes with whatever's left of my make up smeared across my face, or take 15 minutes all to myself to jump in a nice, hot shower, and give my face a good, clean wash before crawling into bed.

I'm not going to lie, sometimes the "just crawling into bed" thing wins out.

But truthfully, deep down inside, I know that taking those extra 15 minutes to myself not only gives me a chance to wash off the day, but also soothes my soul.

You see, often those 15 minutes are the only 15 minutes I've really had to myself all day. No one is asking questions, no one is in need of a drink or a snack or to be wiped on the potty (ug). It's just... me.

What I'm learning in this phase of life is that, as women, taking some time to ourselves is extremely important.

It gives us a chance to regroup and rejuvenate our souls. Overwhelm is a real thing. I've felt it personally, and I'm sure you've felt it, too (if you aren't feeling it right now). We keep running and running. Giving and giving. We're natural born helpers. The only danger with this willingness to run and give and help, is that it's incredibly easy to burn out. Prepare yourself, this is going to sound selfish, but... sometimes we need to just slow down and take time for ourselves. It doesn't have to be anything extravagant or time-consuming. It could simply mean 15 minutes in the bathroom to yourself. But if we don't take any time to take care of ourselves, our soul loses it's chance to breath. 

Exercising self-care keeps us grounded. When I'm scrambling around and miss out on taking time for myself, I tend to get a little... cranky. (I absolutely guarantee my hubby can attest to this.) When we start to feel depleted, our emotions can take over and create situations that may seem worse in our mind than they actually are at that present moment. My point is, it's easy to get carried away with the drama if we're not taking any time to ourselves to process our emotions and thoughts.  If we can take some time to do something our soul's need, it tends to bring the emotions back down to a manageable level. 

We carry dozens of titles a day - Mother, wife, employee, co-worker, etc. Where do we place ourselves on this list?

Take some time today to think about how you can spend 15 minutes on self-care each day. It can be as simple as taking a shower, going for a walk, or painting your nails. Whatever you need to rejuvenate your soul - find those 15 minutes and do it. I promise you won't regret it!

Writing Update - Month 1

I've successfully published a post once a week for a whole month!

This may seem silly to some, but hey - I'm celebrating it. A few months ago, I wasn't writing at all.

This also brings me to the larger question: What do I do next?

A short background on my blogging journey: I've started a stopped approximately 4 blogs before in my past. I believe this was for 2 reasons:

1. I wasn't writing in the correct niche. A couple of my past blogs were about healthy living and exercise, but I'm afraid I'm about more than just these two topics. While they're a hobby of mine, I don't live and breathe them.

2. I got overwhelmed. I was so engrained on pushing myself to the next steps, that I got anxious and didn't know where to go next. So instead, I just quit. And every time I quit, it was almost a sigh of relief.

These sighs of relief were obviously short-lived since I am back on the writing/blogging train yet again. I don't want to make the same mistakes I've made in the past, so instead this time, I'm going to take things nice and slow. I've written every week for a month, so now is a good time to review what I've written and decide which direction to go next.

Here are a couple small steps I'm going to take in the next month:

- Register with Compel Training through Proverbs 31 ministries. This is something I've been meaning to do for some time. I feel like I definitely need a little direction and guidance when it comes to starting this writing journey. Every other time I've tried to hard to go it alone, and I think I've pushed myself too far past what God has asked me to do.

- Speaking of what God has asked me to do, I'm going to stick with his simple instructions for now: Just write. I'm going to work on finding my voice and how what I have to say can be shared with others. So far, most of my posts have been pretty personal, almost journal-ish (yes, I'm making this a word). So now I need to figure out how to take my personal, journal-ish (sounds good, yes?) voice and transform what I know and what I've learned into helping others. I want others to benefit from what I have to say. That's the ultimate goal.

So in the next month, my goals are to basically keep writing, and keep growing my voice as a writer so that others can feel the benefit. Notice I'm not pushing a full-blown blog yet. I've done that in the past, and I feel like I'm just not quite ready yet. I feel like that point will come, but I've got a few hurdles as a writer to overcome first. So... just write.

Seems simple enough, but if we're going to do a true review of my past month of writing, then it's probably important to touch on some of my worries and fears:

- If I continue down the writing path, what if what I have to say ruins some friendships? What if at some point I start calling myself a writer and people start to look at me like I'm an oddball? Sometimes I wonder if I am crazy. So if I'm wondering this, what keeps others from doing the same?

- What if this isn't the right calling for me? What if I just enjoy writing, but I'm truly only good at the journaling stuff? What if my voice is really just that - mine?

- What if I don't have the time or funds to make a significant investment into this life-changing goal? I'm still a Mom, wife, and full-time employee first. How do I juggle everything so that this writing thing truly becomes more than just a dream?

It's a lot to think about. And probably way to much worrying for the very beginning stages I'm in. To be completely honest and up-front, the entire time I was writing about my worries, I felt like God was whispering don't worry about it, I'll take care of it. Isn't it beautiful how we always want to see the big picture up front, but only God can see it and lead us through the journey? I suppose that's why they call it "having faith."

So there you have it. And update from my heart on the writing journey I began about a month ago. I'm praying some day I look back on this and laugh when I think of this girl at I am right now. Unsure and not knowing what the future has to hold.

And maybe I'll read this post with my new book in hand. Hey, a girl can dream, right? Also, writing an entire book may take more than just one month's worth of blog posts...

So, onward and upward.

3 Tips for Growing Your Servant's Heart

This phase of life I'm currently swimming through could be described as challenging.

Actually, there's a few other terms I'd like to use to describe it, but in an effort to refrain from using expletives, we're going to stick with challenging. Sound good?

Let me paint you a quick background picture:

I've just entered the third trimester of my third pregnancy. Yay for new baby's! But boo for having to get through the awful phase where your stomach's so big you can no longer bed over to pick anything up. Or tie your shoes. (I now function solely on slip-on's.)

Additionally, as mentioned previously, the hubs underwent foot surgery back on September 1st. We were expecting 2-3 weeks on crutches, but are now wrapping up our 5th week on them with at least another week to go, if not longer.

Crutches didn't seem to bad at first, and we knew that this would impact how much he's able to help around the house, but I think I underestimated really how much that meant. Ever tried to carry a cereal bowl with milk in it while using crutches? Unless you want Multi-grain cheerios spewed across your floor, you might as well eat them while standing on one foot at the counter. And in an effort to be a caring and gracious wife, it seemed like a better idea for me to get his breakfast ready and serve it to him in bed.

Now, please understand I'm not writing all of this to say poor-poor pitiful me. I'm writing this to illustrate how life's challenges can leave room for growth. For instance, this phase has shown me how much my servant's heart was in need of a tremendous make over.

I never considered myself selfish, but you really start to wonder how much you were putting yourself first until you your family is really in need of you to cover all the bases. All. Housework, career, errand-running, baths, meals. You name it and I'm on it right now.

Ever tried to be everywhere at once and still be a joyful giver? Umm yeah, it was safe to say my servant's heart needed a little work. 

So here are a few tips I'm learning while I awkwardly make my way through this challenging phase.

1. Look to the positives. Said everyone everywhere, am I right? Listen, this can be a cliche statement. I totally get it. When you're bogged down and really in the thick of it, the last thing you want is someone chiming, "just look to the positives." Ug. Eye-roll, please.

BUT, please take a moment to realize that there is some value in this statement. (Even when you don't want to hear it.) You believe what you tell yourself. So if you're only spouting negatives, guess what attitude and thought system this will create for you? When you're struggling to be caring or thoughtful to those around you, even when you need to be, just try to think of one positive thing. Even if the only positive thing you can think of is, "Thank heaven this is only for one more week. This is only a phase." Trust me, I've had those exact thoughts. Then pick yourself up, (grit your teeth if you have to), and keep pressing forward.

2. Remind yourself that working on your servant's heart can have positive effects after this phase of life is over. The impact you can create by joyfully serving others is sometimes a delayed reward. You probably won't see it or feel it in the moment, but think of the impact your actions can leave on your children. And listen to the sincerity in your husband's voice as he tells you thank you at the end of the evening for everything you've done for him and your family that day.

When you're in the trenches, it might be hard to see how much good you're doing. But look at the bigger picture. What you're doing today - This work on your servant's heart - Can have lasting effects well into the future. This is one motivator I'm currently using to get me through.

3. Take this opportunity to realize that God's asking you to do some growing here. Yeah, ouch. This was one realization that came to me recently and I wasn't really very comfortable with it at first. As humans, we like to think we have it all together, don't we? As long as we're doing ok compared to others, than we must not need to work on anything, right?

Unfortunately, I'm here to tell you through my own experiences that this just isn't the case. God is going to ask you to come out of your comfort zone occasionally. And if you're stubborn like me, sometimes the "asking" turns more into "pushing." God may place you in a phase of life where you have no other choice but to accept your current situation, then do your best to work through it with Him. It's uncomfortable, yes. But how would we ever grow if we weren't challenged now and then?

All in all, yes, there's no doubt this phase of life has been challenging for me. And in full honesty, let me tell you that I don't have it all together, and I'm not doing everything as joyfully as I should. (Who has two thumbs and is a work in progress? This gal!)

But I'm also trying to remember Philipians 2:3 - "Do nothing from rivalry or conceit, but in humility, count others more significant than yourselves." Even when it means serving my husband breakfast in bed on a busy Monday morning.